96. Healing with gratitude

“On July 5, it came as a pleasant surprise. I call it ‘pleasant’ because, in a way, that's  how it felt to me. It was around 8:30 in the evening; I had just finished my daily table tennis routine, and before any further plans could be made, something else was about to unfold. I was struck by what they call a ‘neural attack’. A young friend, a colleague from my project work, was speaking to me on the phone when she suddenly sensed that something was wrong - perhaps she noticed a change in my speech. Knowing that I live alone, she did not waste any time. She contacted a few other colleagues who lived close to my apartment in West Delhi, and with their help, she promptly arranged for an ambulance. How I managed to open the door for the ambulance staff and the colleagues who came with them remains a story in itself.

“No one knew what was happening, not even me. Had I forgotten to be myself? Yes and no. I knew very little about my own state but strangely could recall every detail of a song that seemed to be playing – whether from the neighborhood or just in my mind, I still do not know. Astonishingly, I could rhythmically recite it in my head. The right side of my body had lost all sense of life. To cut a long story short, I was taken to a private hospital close to my house, and my son who rushed in from Gurgaon, took over. I owe my gratitude to the doctors and medical staff who cared for me during my stay in the hospital.  They sent me back home with the reassurance that I would soon walk and speak properly if I stayed positive and kept up with my physiotherapy sessions. It felt as if a new chapter, a fresh start, had been given to me.

“Some might say these 13-14 weeks must have been ‘trying time’ for me. If you ask me, it has been a ‘unique learning’ experience for me. There's no other way I could have learned so much. As I returned to life, I learnt what we often take for granted, is indeed a great learning experience. As a child we picked ‘walking’ as a natural practice that was taught by our parents at a very early age. But relearning it now, is an entirely different experience - it's like adding new motor experiences to my being. The physiotherapist helps the limbs do the needful. It may take time, and I need patience.

“Now, the learning for me is at each step. It opens up new avenues for learning. Relationships have gained a new meaning for me, each one now carrying its own distinct significance. While experiences may vary, all relationships acquire a renewed sense of ‘meaning’ and ‘depth.’ Their presence brings sympathy and kind words, which are certainly welcome, but ideally, it should go beyond that. However, it often doesn’t, and this is where the real issue lies. Relationships should transcend mere formalities, or they risk fading away if efforts aren’t made to rebuild them.

“Friendship, on the other hand, has many layers and meanings. I never did a permanent job in my life, only short-term commitments but my friend have always stood by me. They even took care of my medical bills, without knowing that they would eventually be reimbursed. Their physical presence over these two and a half months has been incredible; and there are those who enrich my life by daily digital interaction. I have never felt alone. Friends are friends without conditions.

“Every friend has contributed and continues to do so. One friend visit me every week, takes me for a long drive and we end our outing with a cup of coffee in a busy shopping mall. It makes me feel like I’m part of the crowd. In fact, the biggest lesson has been learning to appreciate the small things in life. I am still learning, and this is a truly unique opportunity. There are inspiring stories all around, and I feel enriched.

“But the story is far from over. There is still so much to learn from this experience. Most importantly, I have realized that there is little point in dwelling on the past. Only by looking forward can we carve out a better future."

First published in www.raagdelhi.com

95. The tri-logic of the tripod

Is a tripod a beacon of excellence and innovation? It is said that the tripod approach provides ideas for designing new products, but for most of us a tripod promotes instability. Tripod reflects '3' in numbers, and the three is the cause for uncertainty. Rarely if ever are three friends.

For some reasons, the number '3' is not welcome in social life. Teen Tigada Kaam Bigaada is a popular phrase, which means ‘3’ is the cause for ominous disturbances. People avoid mingling with this number in multiple scenarios, as number three is considered as portent. 

Is everything wrong with ‘three’? Three has more to it than we have understood. It is said that the first time you share tea, you are a stranger. The second time you share tea, you are an honored guest. The third time you share a cup of tea, you become family. 

  

Should it not make us rethink on '3'?

In religion and in science, ‘3’ is a formidable number. If trinity of three gods is a reflection of the divine, the atom with three fundamental particles is the essence of life. Come to think of it, it is the ‘three’ that strikes a distinct balance between ‘creation’, ‘maintenance’, and ‘destruction’. 

One may need to contemplate a bit to get a sense of it. A car is a moving example of how ‘three’ plays a critical role in mobility, with a balance between ‘speed’, ‘brake’, and ‘acceleration’. Imagine, the chaos if there was no gravity to promote deceleration. The analogy of a car reflects how most of us have lost control on our lives.

Finally, we must realize that mind, body and spirit are indeed the tripod of being. 

We can draw philosophical reason by applying the tri-logic at various stages of life. Applying this parable may lead us to appreciate the need for striking a balance between the ‘three’. Trouble is that ‘deprivation’ guides our decisions regarding access to ‘materials’, ‘assets’, and ‘situations’. Balancing act between the ‘three’ is critical for making a sense of meaningful life. 

94. Why do we avoid talking about it?

Why don't we talk about it when none of us can ever escape it? Are we socially and culturally primed to abstain from it? Do we gain by not talking about it? Perhaps, it is the inherent fear of the known that is bound to dawn on everyone someday.  

Talking about 'death' in our society is taboo, and surprisingly so when death all around. Death as a subject of conversation is a big NO. Even death at a ripe age of 90+ is regretted. It gets talked about after it actually happens, and that too briefly. Yudhisthira had rightly remarked: "The greatest wonder is that everyday death strikes, yet we live as if were immortal."   

Death is permanent and who doesn't know it, but avoiding conversation on it seems an unwritten dictum. Come to think of it, ours is a death-avoidant society in words. 

But for the Iranians, talking about death is natural. Since the family often buy burial land, an Iranian friend once told me, that having family picnic on such landed property is but natural. Their only child would often insist on being buried between parents. This reflects cultural acceptance of 'death' as an integral part of life. They consider 'life' to be trapped between 'birth' and 'death', as a package. Death literacy is more of a norm.

Primitive societies are known to have celebrated ‘death’, and few instances remain of counting death as a ‘virtue’. If ‘death’ actually means ‘re-birth’, it is said, then why must it not be a cause for celebration? Ironically, rebirth remains more of a myth - an issue worthy of discussion. Not ever is an effort made to read scriptures differently to understand death as an integral part of life.

Whatever be it, can anyone escape the reality of death? Why then avoid talking about ‘death’? Such cultural reluctance to talk about death results in avoiding major decisions - type and need of end-care; organ/body donation; and choice of funeral preferences. Unsurprisingly, India ranks 67 among 85 countries on the Global Quality of Death Index.

Death is not talked about because we all want to live longer. We want to be in control until the very end.  Death is viewed as a realm of human condition, that can be medically avoided. In a landmark work of cultural history ‘The Work of the Dead’ (Princeton Univ Press), Thomas Laqueur examines how societies have cared about the dead, without any effort towards discussing the subject of ‘death’. However, in recent days ‘death cafe’ has emerged in many cities where ‘death’ as a subject gets talked about.

First published in www.raagdelhi.com

 

93. Is Shame the new normal?

In recent times we seem to be more ashamed of ourselves and our dealings than before. Aren't we ashamed of our looks, our culture, our ethnicity, our sexuality, our poverty, and our politics. Despite warding off words like 'shame' and 'shamelessness' from our lives, these seem to have returned to us with full force. To be sure that it has indeed been so, I checked data generated by Google Books' Ngram which indicates that the use of the word shame, which stayed low in usage till 1980, has risen in usage since then.

What seems notable now is that shame in its present manifestation is not a relic of our 'shame-culture' of the past. It isn't an emotion that two-people used to slug it out on the street as just a personal matter. Instead, we are now getting trapped in some kind of spiral of shame. If one were to agree with author of 'Shame' Professor David Keen at the London School of Economics and Political Science, shame has been integrated into the political economies that produce and reinforce it.    

One can look around to find that shame is playing an especially important role in very disturbing political scenarios. It seems to be more of an opportunity than a problem for leading political leaders. From Trump in the US to Johnson in the UK, from Bolsonaro in Brazil to Duterte in the Philippines, and from Modi in India to Putin in Russia, there are a series of leaders who seem to possess an amazing quality of shamelessness. These leaders appear to have turned shame into a political currency. 

These leaders play a double game by first stirring shame, and then proposing promises to remove it. They do what the market does with the consumer. Market interests both foster and feed a deep underlying shame about everything from our looks to our bodies and the rest of it, and then help us throw off shame by buying and selling magical products. Shame seems to have been used as an instrument to first demoralize people and then make them vulnerable to manipulation.

Come to think of it, shame has worked as a convenient emotion that makes people question their own worth. It stirs deep-seated prejudices that coalse to emerge as a social construct that is more damaging. Though politicians present shame as a spur for improvement of one's life, the reverse is more often the case. Donald Trump is one amongst many who has demonstrated shamelessness many times during his years in power. But there are many more on both sides of the Atlantic emulating him.  

In today's polarized overheated political environment, shame as a social construct has been conveniently used as the go-to attack on one's perceived enemies. The victims of poverty are filled with shame to be its foot soldiers, and those who benefit tend to exhibit shamelessness. Shame and shamelessness work in tandem to create the power of an emotion as a formidable political force with deleterious impact. One only hopes that there is a limit to which shame and shamelessness itself can be sold as an attractive spectacle.  

First published in Outlook on June 15, 2024.

92. Blue with a tinge of yellow

With mercury touching a searing high, swimming pools are back in business. Who would not love to be in blue waters at this time? Barring early afternoons, cooling off in the pool anytime during the day is a bliss, be it in fancy star hotels or pocket-friendly neighborhood pools. But swimmers often wonder if swimming in other people’s pee in the pool is worth the risk. Curiously, no one has ever claimed not to have emptied one's bladder in a pool. After all, when you gotta go, you gotta go! 

The best option is to feign ignorance, counting it as a hidden price for a big comfort. After all, pee is over 95 percent water, and the remainder gets diluted to have any serious effect. Celebrated writer Khushwant Singh found pee silent in swimming pools (as p in psychology) where its diluted presence is silently ensured. A 2012 study published in the International Journal of Aquatic Research and Education had reported that about 19 per cent of people admitted to having peed in a pool. Clearly, an underestimation but good for us.   

To pee or not to pee in a pool is subjective, only the bladder can take the final call. Pee may not be as bad as we might think, however. A British naturopath John W. Armstrong had cured himself by treating 'on nothing but urine and tap water' for 45 days. In urine, he had discovered a system of alternate medicine that his family had long been practicing for treating minor stings and cuts, and which even the Bible prescribed: 'drink waters out of thine own cistern and running waters out of thine own well'. 

In his hugely popular book 'The Water of Life', published in 1944, Armstrong had literally advised his readers not to be pissed off, but instead cajoled them tu pee aur jee - drink and live longer. It gained credence with politicians and celebrities, as much with ordinary souls. While former Indian Prime Minister Morarji Desai added a political tinge to his own perfect medicine, the British actress Sarah Miles immunized herself against allergies for being on her own urine dose for over thirty years.

Having tasted thine own waters, Desai even went to the extent of suggesting pee to be the perfect medical solution for the millions of countrymen who could not afford medical treatment. Not without reason as Shivambu Kalpa, a treatise on the pharmaceutical value of urine, propounds it as an acceptable practice across several societies. Ancient Chinese documents describe benefits of drinking one’s own urine, and people in Africa and the Americas have long used urine for various medical conditions.    

Its medicinal value withstanding, the creative aspect of pee has been explored in Bollywood blockbuster '3 Idiots' where pee only helps to hydrate the screenplay. The very idea of innovation in the script is pitched around this universal saline excretion, which is a good conductor of electricity. Pee is so creatively woven into the script that for once the Hindi-challenged character of Chatur Ramalingam's struggle to find a place for mutra visarjan (urination) through the 180-minute entertainer lands him in real trouble. 

All considered, I have renewed my swimming pool membership.

First published in Outlook on May 26, 2024 

91. Hugging, the virtuous virtue

Neither a celebrity nor one of its kind, the response was unexpectedly unprecedented. Each of the 70-odd teenage school students, both girls and boys, waited for their turn to give me a warm hug. Unbelievable as it was, all I could afford were moist eyes.  

My spontaneous temperament got the better of me when a friend surprised me by stopping by at a government aided school to converse with students during my recent travel in picturesque north Karnataka. Liberty to speak on whatever topic suited me gave freedom to avoid being formally introduced, as neither half-a-dozen teachers nor seventy-odd teens were profiled. All eyes were glued on me without anybody being clear on what to expect from an uninvited outsider.

During such times when children are exposed to hatred and hostility, the idea of an engrossing but entertaining conversation was paramount in my mind. Pointing at the boys first, I raised the most unexpected query 'when was the last time you hugged your father?' Bewildered! Nobody raised a hand but quite a few confirmed hugging their mothers. The girls were found to be few numbers better in hugging their mothers. Fathers do not know what they might be missing!  

Despite initial hesitation, the conversation evoked interesting insights. A teenager reported that he hugs his parents when they are in distress. What difference does it make? After a brief pause, he considered it to cause a soothing effect. Hugging has been found to be therapeutic, reducing stress and pain. Research has further shown that hugging releases feel-good hormones such as dopamine and serotonin, generating feelings of happiness by overcoming fear.

By this time teachers too had joined the conversation, suggesting that hugging can have a positive impact on mental and physical well-being. If you’re feeling down or stressed, consider reaching out to a loved one for a hug to feel better! Should hugging be a normal practice at home, parents can free themselves from forcing restrictions and stricter surveillance on their children. Everybody agreed that hugging could be a no-cost effort to promote harmony and boost creativity. 

The headmaster offered his appreciation for an engaging discussion on a subject that neither occurred to any of them as a problem nor was considered a solution to many life challenges. The teens were to stun me and their teachers no less, as each one came forward to give me a warm hug. The gesture was overwhelming and moving, with the teachers' mute witness to the prodigious moment. I could only suggest that the idea of voluntary hugging be encouraged. 

Schools all over promote e-learning in a dedicated digital lab. Technology is meant to take things forward and compete in the world of immense possibilities. Having gone through the unbelievable impromptu hugging experiment, for me e-learning should mean emotional-learning, as that is the only missing tag in our life. And children are indeed ready for it. It seems a glimmer of hope in a society that is increasingly being polarized.   

First published in Deccan Herald on May 25, 2024

90. What's life without a few hiccups

A friend casually remarked that hiccups, or 'hichki,' are not as frequent as this once were, prompting me to ponder what's life without a few hiccups. Several friends agree that recalling a recent hiccups episode is indeed rare. Does that mean the diaphragm in the body has ceased its involuntary spasms to produce the characteristic 'hic' sound that multiplies several times per minute? If hiccups are indeed becoming rare, what does it hold for its associated beliefs?

My mother held the belief that hiccups were a sign that someone close to us harbored negative thoughts about us. As soon as I would get hiccups, she would suggest potential culprits, with the hope the hiccups would bounce back to the thinker. I found humor in this superstition, pondering if hiccups were a way to dispel bad energy before it returned to its sender. While I didn't take these ominous thoughts to heart, the idea did entertain the notion that I was on someone's mind.

These beliefs unexpectedly influence our lives, with hiccups often interpreted to predict future events. I've learned that in some cultures, hiccups are viewed as a sign that not only brings back memories but also signals the start of a new journey. Aside from beliefs, hiccups can be an unwelcome nuisance, yet they have been transformed into a source of delight by a category of hiccups restaurants offering unique drinks with a creative twist.

For a majority, hiccups are still an unwelcome annoyance. Charles Osborne holds the world record for continuous hiccups. Following an accident in 1922, he suffered from non-stop hiccups until his death in 1990. Although much has been discussed regarding hiccups, the ordeal of this Iowa native stands as the longest recorded bout of hiccups. Interestingly, this unpleasant condition perpetuates the superstition that hiccups mean you are on someone's mind.

All said, I find myself stuck to the folklore which suggests that getting hiccups means someone is talking about you or missing you. How far is this true remains obscure?  In medieval times, hiccups were thought to be caused by the mythical creature called 'elves'. Whatever be it, there is no denying that hiccups are often annoying and frustrating because they can disrupt life at the most inconvenient times. Is the cultural construct around hiccups aimed at comforting us? 

If my experience indicates that hiccups are indeed getting uncommon, could it mean that our diaphragm has effectively managed involuntary spasms or is it related to the fact that not many people seem to miss me? Since communication through WhatsApp helps us remember most of our contacts, it's conceivable that our brain may have stopped triggering the hiccup response. 

A friend suggests that we better consider digital notifications as the new hiccups. 

First published on Open Page, The Hindu on May 19, 2024.

89. A washing machine like none other

I still recall how excited my mother was when she had loaded a washing machine for the very first time in her life. Unlike an unavoidable contraption now, it was considered a luxury item then. In a mini celebration with a handful of neighbors in attendance and lots of washable clothes scattered all around, the machine was switched on with its gurgling sound. Her life transformed thereafter, she had not to hand-wash laundry anymore for the five of us. She could hardly believe the change due to her.

Loading the machine and watching it swirl dirty clothes remained a spectacle for quite a while before it got turned into a domestic ritual. Although electric washing machine came into existence in early 1900, my mother got to use it almost a century later. There are billions like her still in queue to get hold of a washing machine. For those who survive on less than 2 dollars a day, hand washing the laundry remains a drudgery.  

But laundry technology has continued to evolve with new machines and products offering improved efficiency, convenience, and sustainability. High efficiency washing machines claim to use less water and energy, reducing the environmental impact of laundry while lowering utility costs. Yet, not more than 3 billion people can afford to wash their laundry in electric washing machines. Washing machine is every woman's demand, yet gendered inequity persists.      

Not sure why laundry as a task got assigned to women, who clean clothes by pounding them on rocks after rubbing some cleansing stuff and draining the dirt away in streams or rivers. In colonial times, the most common way of washing clothes was to boil them in a large pot, then lay them on a flat board, and beat them with a paddle. Laundry was often a communal ritual along rivers and ponds where women did the washing. 

Ever since first patent was awarded for a washing invention in 1797, the history of laundry has gone through fascinating transformation. From its ancient practices in washing with hands to the present-day use of innovative technologies, the focus has remained on methods for keeping clothes clean and fresh. New technologies have promised to keep laundry even more efficient, convenient, and environmentally friendly.

If the virtues of a washing machine are too many to list, why it has yet to become an electoral issue? Every woman may vote for washing machine, but none would dare to 'wash dirty linen in public'. Keeping one's dirty linen especially away from prying eyes has been the preserve of the more affluent and genteel sections of society. It’s a reminder to maintain discretion, best to handle issues privately rather than airing them publicly.

Of late, washing machine has acquired a political dimension. As the act of washing dirty linen in public gets negated, the washing machine has instead been put to use to laundry the person clean (of his/her dirty attire) for the ballot box. The electoral value of a laundered candidate is worth an important place in legislative governance. One only has to pass through the right washing machine to be held neat and clean in the eyes of the public. 

First published as a diary piece in the Outlook magazine, issue dated May 11, 2024.       

88. Good riddance to bad rubbish

Raddi being weighed

As I have now put to rest newspaper reading as an erstwhile compelling habit, my memory goes back in time when my father would coax me to read a few column inches in the newspaper every day with an aim at improving my written and spoken language. Without doubt, it did improve quite a bit. In a small hilly town where we lived during my school days, the newspaper would get delivered only towards the afternoon but in time before I'd return from the school. It was lowly priced by today's standards, but some neighbors used to share the newspaper.      

Not for news alone, newspapers fetched petty cash for the household by way of selling newspapers as raddi. For working journalists in those days, the raddi value of a dozen complimentary newspapers could easily buy a dinner. Not without reason was selling old newspapers every month a keenly observed family activity, over the weekends.

The old newspapers were given the ceremonial send-off it deserved as the Fourth Estate. The print media was known to spread authentic facts and credible views. There was no going back on what was seen and read in print, the news often got quoted as the last word of wisdom, truth and authenticity.  

However, much has changed since then. Need it be said that newspapers have only degenerated to the extent of missing out on truth, authenticity and credibility. It took me quite a while to realize the reasons propounded by Swiss journalist Rolf Dobelli in his book Stop Reading the News, wherein he argues that to reward oneself with less disruption, more time, less anxiety, and more insights could only be possible by avoiding news. 

Now that I have stopped subscribing and reading newspapers, news is no longer to the mind what sugar is to the body. I am no longer addictively overconfident about carrying news, as it is a permanently inflamed and completely pointless appendix. The illusion of empowerment is grossly erroneous as the news is an opposite of understanding the world. It only reports events - events without context and perspective - which can easily be done away with.  One is better without such news.

The Merriam-Webster focus on 'authentic' as the word needing attention in 2023, has made the search for authenticity reach a new height since then. With the media (both print and digital) passing off fake news as authentic, the readers like me are like rudderless boats in a sea of misinformation and lies. As the media's business model involves shoveling the greatest possible magnitude of rubbish over the print and digital space, I am pleased not to be part of it anymore. I firmly refuse to be part of this sinister model.  

It is hard for me to imagine that what we used to discard as raddi after reading news, is now being thrust back on us as news. By getting rid of the compulsive newspaper reading habit, I have given good riddance to bad rubbish.   

87. Is divorce a bad marriage?

Celebrating Divorce

Ever since I witnessed the first divorce in our family a little over two decades ago a question has continued to linger: is divorce a bad marriage? With divorce being more of a norm than exception now, there are any number of subjective interpretations on offer to explain this growing phenomenon. While variations abound, the sum total of it all is that prodding on with an unsustainable matrimony is now a big NO. In that sense, divorce saves couples from bad marriages. 

Divorce in itself is not a bad marriage. Instead, it serves a savior not only for estranged couples but their respective families too. Given the range of internalities and externalities influencing conjugal relationships, divorce hangs as the sword of Damocles' over most marriages. No wonder, there is a rise of 50-60 percent in divorce rate in India which was once considered to have the lowest divorce rate globally, an estimated 1.1 percent.

Exceptions aside, it may be safe to say that most marriages remain on the brink. With 'divorcee or divorced' being an accepted social identity, nulling a relationship for whatever be its worth is more of a norm than exception. While as many couples get divorced, there are an equal number who get remarried too. It is rightly said that 'marriages are made in heaven'. No escaping the reality of it as marriage is referred to as a 'plural' in this time-tested proverb. 

If you wonder why marriage has become a platform for exchanging multiple wedding rings, it is worth referring to Philosopher Susan Sontag who remarked that marriage is an institution committed to the dulling of feelings. Susan's marriage lasted a total of nine years, and she was candid in saying that the flip side of marriage is repetition. Isn't it true that the capitalist consumer culture is built on the edifice of novelty, be it men or materials? 

The trouble with marriage is that it is perceived as a union of two bodies, and rarely of two minds. In the early days following marriage, the couple intuitively copy the same set of arbitrary behaviors and values. Outwardly they try to become one whereas in reality they are more than one. As the mind starts playing a dominant role, the two bodies begin to drift apart. As soon as they realize the impossibility of an imagined future, terminating marriage becomes most likely.    

For Agnes Callard, the celebrated author of Aspirations, marriage of the minds is critical for giving longevity to any relationship. Agnes, a mother of two grown up kids, told her husband one fine evening at the dining table that she was in 'love'. Agnes' divorce story is worth reading. She defines true love as a state of being, and suggests that true lovers don’t really want to be loved for who they are; they want to be loved because neither of them is happy with who he or she is'. 

As one reads more into the lives of Susan and Agnes, it becomes clear that more than the union of two bodies marriage is also a road to fulfilling suppressed aspirations that begin to surface over time. Two individuals rarely have the same aspirations though, and neither are aspirations infinite. At some point one has to get to the value that one is supposed to be aspiring towards. As aspirations of two individuals rarely conform, the writing on the wall becomes clear!

It is no surprise therefore that in a bid to chase their respective aspirations, couples have begun to celebrate divorce. Afterall, you only have one life at your disposal.