87. Is divorce a bad marriage?

Celebrating Divorce

Ever since I witnessed the first divorce in our family a little over two decades ago a question has continued to linger: is divorce a bad marriage? With divorce being more of a norm than exception now, there are any number of subjective interpretations on offer to explain this growing phenomenon. While variations abound, the sum total of it all is that prodding on with an unsustainable matrimony is now a big NO. In that sense, divorce saves couples from bad marriages. 

Divorce in itself is not a bad marriage. Instead, it serves a savior not only for estranged couples but their respective families too. Given the range of internalities and externalities influencing conjugal relationships, divorce hangs as the sword of Damocles' over most marriages. No wonder, there is a rise of 50-60 percent in divorce rate in India which was once considered to have the lowest divorce rate globally, an estimated 1.1 percent.

Exceptions aside, it may be safe to say that most marriages remain on the brink. With 'divorcee or divorced' being an accepted social identity, nulling a relationship for whatever be its worth is more of a norm than exception. While as many couples get divorced, there are an equal number who get remarried too. It is rightly said that 'marriages are made in heaven'. No escaping the reality of it as marriage is referred to as a 'plural' in this time-tested proverb. 

If you wonder why marriage has become a platform for exchanging multiple wedding rings, it is worth referring to Philosopher Susan Sontag who remarked that marriage is an institution committed to the dulling of feelings. Susan's marriage lasted a total of nine years, and she was candid in saying that the flip side of marriage is repetition. Isn't it true that the capitalist consumer culture is built on the edifice of novelty, be it men or materials? 

The trouble with marriage is that it is perceived as a union of two bodies, and rarely of two minds. In the early days following marriage, the couple intuitively copy the same set of arbitrary behaviors and values. Outwardly they try to become one whereas in reality they are more than one. As the mind starts playing a dominant role, the two bodies begin to drift apart. As soon as they realize the impossibility of an imagined future, terminating marriage becomes most likely.    

For Agnes Callard, the celebrated author of Aspirations, marriage of the minds is critical for giving longevity to any relationship. Agnes, a mother of two grown up kids, told her husband one fine evening at the dining table that she was in 'love'. Agnes' divorce story is worth reading. She defines true love as a state of being, and suggests that true lovers don’t really want to be loved for who they are; they want to be loved because neither of them is happy with who he or she is'. 

As one reads more into the lives of Susan and Agnes, it becomes clear that more than the union of two bodies marriage is also a road to fulfilling suppressed aspirations that begin to surface over time. Two individuals rarely have the same aspirations though, and neither are aspirations infinite. At some point one has to get to the value that one is supposed to be aspiring towards. As aspirations of two individuals rarely conform, the writing on the wall becomes clear!

It is no surprise therefore that in a bid to chase their respective aspirations, couples have begun to celebrate divorce. Afterall, you only have one life at your disposal.