She graduated from Brigham Young University, got married, and by age 25 was a divorcee. Before you wonder how she considers herself to be married virgin, simply put she learnt to love instead of having sex. "Without even realizing the real Alyne hid closed off from the world, from herself, deep inside me in a little box no one could find." Brimming with honesty and confidence, she overcame her sexuality, and an endless cycle of existential crises.
"I don't know how other girls were, but the truth was, I had never wanted to have penetrative sex and had never been even slightly tempted." Alyne spent her whole life being inundated by confusing, problematic messages about her body. But the reality was, neither the pills worked nor any of the therapies. Whenever she thinks back, it made her feel sick. Anything vaguely sexual, even conversations, had a huge negative stigma around her.
Alyne could never think about her past with ease. It made her feel furious and horrified. She felt ashamed of her own natural feelings, punished for expressing affection, and self-policing her sexuality as a crime. That having sex meant that she would become literal trash, dirty and discardable weighed heavy on her mind. But divorce opened a new door for her as she found herself finally-free the expectations of her family and faith (Mormon).
A divorce or a breakup, Alyne learnt, may seem like a death sentence, but is often has a bright beginning. One learns that profound connection(s) is worthy of exploration, and not something to be fearful of. Sex is temporary but Love is permanent. "I'm realizing that perhaps the most important thing in life is to explore the world within."
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