35. Awesome is what awesome is not

Some words make you sick, not because these are virus-infected but for their sheer overuse or misuse to the point of being irritating. 'Awesome' is one among them, having grown like a wild creeper in our lives. Dictionary may define it as something extraordinary or stunning, like an amazing waterfall or a beautiful sunset, but its usage extends to anything from a pair of shoes to a tasty lunch, and goes on endlessly. The irritating aspect is that 'awesome' is used to describe things that are, in fact, not awesome at all. 

I am not being snooty but my concern must merit consideration. After all, how can a word mean both 'great' and 'terrible' at the same time? Youngsters may love it, as it eases them into striking multiple expressions with just one word. But the trouble is that I have friends of all ages who use it as regularly as youngsters half their age. Why should it appeal as much to the seniors? I would imagine that it's charm lies in its versatility, even if its use is half-ironic. That is awesome!

Already voted as one of the ten most overused words, 'awesome' has come under gaze of those who are aiming to push the word to its rightful slot in the spoken language. For last few years an anti-awesome move has been aiming to beseech people from employing its overuse, suggesting instead that we deserve something better. Easier said, having degraded 'awesome' as banal it will be quite a task to locate something that is truly, really, deeply awesome. Will someone be able to come up with the next 'awesome'?

It isn't if overuse makes some words and their meaning redundant, it denies us the chance to feel a wider range of emotions. The worst is that we have, by sheer oversight, etymologically demoted 'awesome' as a way of foreclosing conversation rather than having it. It's usage has been reduced to shut down any debate or discussion, as a definitive statement. Having wasted 'awesome' to describe a goddamn ebay discount, one would be bereft of appropriate word to describe, for instance, one's own wedding. Sadly, we have wasted the shit out of some words. 

By the way, that reminds me that my domestic help is upbeat these days about using 'shit' to express in equal measure her pleasure and displeasure over anything. Like awesome, the overuse of 'shit' means everything but the real stuff. With the stink having long escaped into the greenhouse, it makes her feel connected to the slang-generation. A coming of age feeling, perhaps! And, my hunch is that she is unlikely to give up on her new-found enlightenment anytime soon.

This reminds me of an incident about how overuse of words leads us to the point of losing all its meanings. Here it goes! Having been interrupted many times during a hearing by a judge, who kept saying 'shit' on each occasion, the lawyer could not hold himself back from saying: 'Nothing but 'shit' has passed from your lordship's mouth through the day.' You might wonder what may have happened thereafter. The court was adjourned! 

This jalebi was first published in Deccan Herald on Jan13, 2017. 

34. The unmaking of human emotions!

Festive season reminds me about the transformation the world of sharing seasons' greetings has gone through. From those days when as teenagers we were made to ferry plateful of sweets across neighboring households to later years when we often poured emotions in hand-drawn greeting cards, the subtlety of sharing emotions were to become outright blatant in the following years.Telephonic greetings and printed cards arrived much later, by which time greetings had started bearing a crass reflection of social and economic status. Emotions were tagged to a price, and the trend is in vogue till this day! 

In parallel, there is a new trend that has caught on. The present-day gadget-friendly generation has gone a step ahead, for them emotions are a product of digital technology. The manner in which they use bland text, passive status and predictive smiley makes one believe as if the youngsters, and even some of their senior followers, have run out of emotions. It seems conscious expression of thoughts have given space to copied text and downloaded visuals. Need it be said that the realm of digital communication has unleashed a world of electronic emotions around us. Digitized emotions have become virtual products for real consumption.    

I am as disturbed as novelist Ayn Rand would have been, who considered 'emotions as a product of man’s premises, held consciously or subconsciously, explicitly or implicitly'. Since lot goes into making of human emotions, I have difficulty with the digital emotions. Consequently, I try not to acknowledge text messages, bulk greetings and electronic cards. For me, the cut and paste emotions that are re-invented and re-send are worthy of quick deletion, as these are but a reflection of the general drift of our culture. I like conventions. I like personal touch to greeting family and friends. May be, digital greetings don't assure me of the attention that I think I deserve! 

But much to my discomfort, passive electronic emotions continue to fill-up the virtual space.    

As touch-screen technology moves center stage as a mode of communication, the business of saying things face-to-face is seemingly on its way out. Mediated by communication technologies, emotions too have become packaged products which can be clicked and picked online. As these are produced so are these consumed, a perfect reminder that we live in a 'read and delete' society. That electronic emotions lack the ability to communicate the essence of an emotional response isn't a majority concern, and yet it has the power of unstoppable proliferation. Pity that no one considers the value of the glorious personal greetings the sun showers on the mountains!      

Despite my personal disliking for digitized emotions, I am still convinced that it has given a convenient vent to positive emotions for a large majority who may not be able to afford the economics of sharing greetings (printed cards, expensive gifts etc) the traditional way. Consequently, sharing of feelings through a variety of 'emoticons' have worked ever since digital form of emotions were uploaded on the Internet on Sept 19, 1982. Since then, human emotions have got a non-human face to them. These environment-friendly emoticons have been downloaded and shared several billion times. Not sure if these make the recipients happy, though. Isn't expressing emotions through written words getting obsolete?

But what worries me is the accumulation of 'negative emotions' in the process, because humans are a mix of both positive and negative emotions. While 'positive emotions' exit through the electronic route, 'negative emotions' fail to escape human psyche. No wonder, pent-up emotions and hidden aggression increasingly confront us as a society. Be it unprovoked violence in social life or increasing incidences of road rage, the 'negative emotions' are finding a variety of violent escape routes. This is a subject that has yet to be researched to any appreciable degree, though we do read about the flip side of our over-dependence on the digital technologies. The trouble is that unlike electronic emoticons these (negative emotions) cannot be easily deleted from our lives! 

This piece was first published in Deccan Herald on Nov 26, 2016

33. You do yours, and mine too!

Times may have changed but not for today's parents whose collective frustration spills out in the open when it comes to discussing their offspring. Unceremonious adages like 'highly irresponsible', 'grossly careless', 'poorly empathetic' and 'increasingly narcissistic' are pressed into service to reflect their unending ire. 

Age has forced me to switch sides now, but it wasn't too long when I was one among many of my generation who had braved parental verbal tirade. My mother would often compare me with my father for being 'half as diligent in discharging my duties towards the household'. Like all parents, she was repetitive enough to trigger my immune response.      

Neither was the problem diagnosed then nor is it being analysed now. Across the world, I have learnt, a generation is growing up expecting more from their parents. A narcissistic generation afflicted by the 'selfie epidemic' is growing in numbers. Need it be said that the otherness of others has become mostly irrelevant to this generation.            

If you ask me, we are the problem we are trying to solve. Haven't many of us been hollering our children not to forget things they must carry before leaving home? Aren't most of us doing the household work ourselves because getting kids to do the same will suck more energy out of us? If that be so, then blame it on our style of parenting.   

We have allowed children’s sense of entitlement to be inflated alongside decline in their responsibilities towards the household. Gone are the days when children were perceived as a generation which was raised to gain practical tips for survival from their parents, and to lend supportive financial hand for the household to thrive. 

In present times we want our child to be child  - to play, to laugh, to have fun, and to enjoy the carefree state for as long as s/he can. Perceived as an emotional asset whose primary purpose is being loved, most parents today want their kids to spend time on things that can bring them success. Rarely it is realized that the pursuit of success comes at a price.    

It is our attitude plus the change in living conditions that has prompted children to be what they are today. Why should children spend hours doing chores when the technology - mixers, microwave ovens, washing machines, handsets - has improved living conditions in favor of individual emancipation around the house? You do yours and mine too, they seem to be saying as technology has eased the task of doing work!

I would be surprised if there are parents not wanting their children to be tech savvy, and not ape modernity to stay in the race for endless material acquisitions. Comes packaged with it are the terms and conditions that discourage children to do household chores. Knowing it well, as many as 30% of American parents no longer ask their children to do household chores.

So much for our side of the story. Have you ever tried asking the young generation about their side of the story? I have heard many say that they were labelled 'little emperors' and 'little princesses' on their birthdays by their parents. And they are behaving like what they were labelled as. Where do you see emperors and princesses do household chores, they ask!! 

32. A spouse for all seasons

Aaron exchanging ring with the smart phone

Let me be honest that I was not ready to encounter upfront what I had only read and heard in the recent past. A light tremor shook me when Peter introduced me to Paul, his 'husband', and he (Paul) had reciprocated with a smile. My conservative upbringing was in for a rude shock. exposed to the grey shade of human relationship beyond the conventional black and white. Many of you will mock at me for my naivety, knowing well that like many, I am witness-to and participant-in several transforming realities the world is tossing up every so often. 

Legal sanctions notwithstanding, same gender co-habitation is for real now. Proclaiming same gender partner as 'husband' or 'wife' in public is a brave new expression, heralding a new era in human relationships. If marriages are indeed made in heaven, as they say, then same gender marriages may also have a divine sanction! My bewilderment was no more than a fleeting emotion because the gays were cool about it! Two husbands under one roof without a wife or two wives under one roof without a husband. Bravo!  

If family means putting arms around each other, then that is what they are doing. If family means caring for each other, then that is what has brought them together. What goes behind closed doors is none of anybody's business. Chill! The world has lived through polygamy and polyandry for long, it is time to give new meaning to monogamy now. Though I doubt if there is anything new about it. Our ancient monuments stand testimony to such relationships, stone carvings on derelict structures depict that such relationships were in vogue then.  

Stone or plastic, these couples give two hoot to what the carvings are all about and what the clerics or the biologists might be thinking. They hold no obligations towards either! Darwin may have started rolling over in his coffin, however, the fittest have sought their own ways to devolve. Nurturing new-found relationship, they have left the task of procreation to the test tubes and the surrogate mothers. Why should all eggs be put in the same basket, they question? As science takes charge of procreation, relationships are beginning to go beyond the obvious. Same gender relationship is just the beginning!  

When Aaron Chervenak, a native of Los Angles, married his smartphone recently, he went beyond gender stereotypes in tying knot with a machine instead. The priest in the Little Vegas Chapel in Nevada proclaimed them 'husband and cellphone'. It is not startling, as one-third of Americans say they would rather give up sex than lose their cell phones. As people touch their smart phone more often than they touch their spouse, a new relationship is indeed evolving in every living room. 

If you have touched your cellphone few times while reading this, you know what I am driving at!

This post was first published in Deccan Herald on Aug 13, 2016

31. The little different nose, anyone!

Weird but stylish!

Mark my words, uncanny hair growth in one of the most undesired of places on our body is likely to script a new style statement. No freak idea this, those who may have plucked these protein filaments into extinction will have to pay through their nose to get them back. Get ready to pay the hair surgeon to work overtime to stuff your nostrils. And before you even begin to smell the hairy reality, design studios would have sprung all across to shape this luxuriant growth onto your facial contours. 

If you thought you could do without long nose hair, it is better you get back on your senses because the notion of hairless nostrils is passé. Stuffed nostrils will fetch a premium at the marriage market. A sweet

Wow! Double Moustache

something with a stylish braid dropping from top of the upper lips will hog limelight in most social gatherings. Bridal make-up will look different, and fashion catwalks will feature a hitherto unknown component. Who better than Yunus Parvez (Bade Babu of 'Gol-Maal') to judge such contests! 

If you haven't sensed it as yet, let it be known that the density of hair in your nostrils will henceforth determine your survival amidst city's polluted air. The more dirty air you breathe, the more nose hair you need. Weird though it may seem, the length of nasal hair will help visualize air quality index in your city. It is not entirely out of sync with our polluting lifestyles, the super-long disgusting nose hairs will be the new indicator of each person's air pollution exposure. 

As cities choke in air pollution, growing nose hair will become inevitable. After all, more nose hair will give individuals a three times less likely chance of developing asthma, and the hairy nose metric will demonstrate just how vital hirsute nostrils must be to deal with a dirty air epidemic. Weird though it may sound, nose hair will surely make the difference between life and death in Asian cities where more than 800,000 deaths are caused by polluted air each year. 

Yunus Pervaz: Harvesting protein filaments

In launching its 'Hairy Nose Campaign' a few years ago, Clean Air Asia had backed it up with 'style your nose hair' statement to match the emissions level in the city. It is akin to wearing masks or buy air filters, though pretty cheap in comparison. At the end of the day, all that matters is how indeed we adapt to increasing particulate matter in the air around us. Like 'grow more food' in the past, 'Grow more nose hair' will become the new slogan for human survival. 

Whether or not the odd-even vehicle rationing works to check air pollution on city roads, the odd idea of growing-nose-hair will pave new way of checking this emerging health threat. It may not exactly make up the stuff of Friday Fun, but imagining long nose hair will trim air pollution in the cities.  

This piece has appeared in Deccan Herald on March 4, 2016 

30. Only losers in a war

The actual scene was quite close to this picture

Like thousands of others on either side of the border, I too was caught in the crossfire of the historic Indo-Pak War in 1965. While I don’t remember the exact date, I was a 9-year-old then and was travelling with my mother. On a sunny September morning, we had arrived at the Firozpur railway station, located close to the international border at village Hussainiwala, in time to catch the next train on our onward journey to Bhatinda.

Using the only foot over bridge at the station, we had alighted on the platform where bogies of our next train were lined up. There was time for the train to depart and hence the coal-fired engine had yet to be connected to the rake. Hardly had we finished our meals, when the train was hit by some kind of a thunderbolt, tossing us over as the bogie tilted in one direction. Luckily for us, it tilted towards the platform and rested back on its track.

No one knew what it was, and there was commotion all around. People were screaming and hauling as we ran out of the bogie in the direction in which the crowd was running. My mother  held my hand tightly but I could not resist looking back to see one of the burning bogies of our train. It was an enemy fighter jet that had dropped a bomb on our train. Emergency sirens were blazing as the jet had continued to dodge three Indian fighter planes which were on its hot chase.

There was drama in the sky; someone shouted at us to lie down on the ground. The cockfight in the air was amazing. Two Indian planes were on either side of the enemy jet with the third flying behind and firing rockets at it. As the planes were flying low, the firing was clearly visible. The enemy jet  continued to escape fire by swiftly changing its direction and elevation. If my memory serves me right, the drama lasted for around half an hour.

The enemy jet was finally hit and I could see the burning plane hurtling towards the ground at some distance. As a big cloud of smoke rose at a distance, the victorious Indian planes surged upwards in an arrow formation.  At that age, it was an exhilarating experience devoid of any emotions much like what the present generation may encounter in a video game. I have been wondering ever since at the plight of the jet pilot, and those trapped in the burning bogie.

At the end, there are only losers in any war! Back to my school the following week, I made a humble donation to the families of those who had lost their lives in the war.

(real-life encounter)

First published in Deccan Herald, Oct 2, 2015

29. In Metro, life in a metro

No sooner had I blessed myself for being first in the queue, and had dug myself into reading a noted historian's much-talked about interview on 'past is present', my 'present' was shattered by a middle-age intruder who had unapologetic-ally pushed me into the second place. 

Before I could realize my relegated position, and prepare myself for an unlikely verbal assault, the occupant had blurted.... follow the queue........it seemed to me a calculated defense by him to camouflage social infringement of breaking the queue. Reasonably well-dressed and presumably (re)tired, the intruder had a bag tucked under his armpit. Pushing and shoving the alighting passengers, I could hear him babble......follow the queue..... and found him seated much earlier than most others.      

As luck would have it, I found myself sitting next to him. Once seated, then intruder and now my neighbor had unzipped his bag and pulled out an apple, rubbed it on his trouser like my favorite cricketer Glenn McGrath and quickly bowled it into his mouth. Six bowling attempts later he had fired his canon again.....mein jeena chhahta hoon (have a desire to live)......wondered, if it was some mixture of  insecurity and ambition, pessimistic utterance on plausible optimism in life? Did he fire his cannon accidentally or had wanted to share something but not sure when, where and with whom!

Apparently oblivious of his doing, he had caught the attention of most fellow passengers. Most were indifferent but none could avoid him. Knowing well that the human mind seldom arrives at an objective assessment on any subject before first reaching the extremity of error, I had held myself from making any judgement. My chain of thoughts were broken when he had blurted again ......mein jeena chhahta hoon. Unless I could sense the nature, degree and duration of the psychological stress he might have been going through, it was something that I found hard to delve into. 

'Are you 65?', he had surprised me with his unwarranted query. Without lifting my eyes from the interview I was half-reading, I had responded saying that I had been bad at mathematics and therefore could rarely achieve 60 (per cent) in my life, and suggested instead that I was quite some distance from making the 'senior citizen' mark. Not undone by my response, he had wondered if I was into yoga and regular exercises. My response in affirmative had prompted him to blurt again........mein jeena chhahta hoon......before alighting from the train.

Isolation within families and loneliness in public has become routine, such figures wander the earth like vegetables in the businesswear of their lives. It is happening with such a regularity and is so common that most of us have become blissfully unaware of the serious malaise hitting the underbelly of our society. 

I was left tearing the boundaries of normality in making a sense of his life and life in a metro. 

(based on a true encounter in the Delhi Metro) 

28. The end of rat race

Whether or not you smell them, their presence remains ubiquitous.Think and you will find them, not one but many - here, there and everywhere. Having followed humans to just about every corner of the globe, these creatures have demonstrated their incredible propensity for travel. Rats are as much comfortable on moving ships as in running trains.They may have been cause for grounding flights but are unlikely to miss their big ticket travel on board the space station! 
      
Human-rodent co-existence has indeed been enigmatic. There are rats that are killed and there are lab-rats that are admired. There are rats that are eaten and there are rats that are considered sacred. There are rats that are chased away and there are rats that accompany the gods. Abhorred and adored in equal measures, rats have seemingly been victims of man's changing priorities and opportunistic misadventure. 

Isn't it a strange paradox that these lowly creatures have been part of our collective psyche as Mickey Mouse, Tom and Jerry and Stuart Little?   

Chemical and biological atrocities notwithstanding, rodents have spurned all acts of violence against them. If a global census was ever to be conducted, rodents would easily outnumber humans by a factor of between 4 or 6, if not more. Ironically, all attempts at getting rid of them have helped their numbers to swell. Despite many localities across the world vying for a 'rodent-free' tag, rats have nonetheless remained part of our collective co-existence.    

Rats may have remained small in size but their stature has been taller on the evolutionary time scale, having arrived on this planet some 50 million years ahead of humans and other large mammals. No wonder, a four-month old rat had the audacity to question the age of a baby elephant. 'I am four-months old,' replied the baby elephant. Not to be taken aback, the rat was quick to retort, ' I am your age but have been sick for a while.'          

Not to be read lightly, a day will come when rats will outgrow their size and take over the earth. If rat menace is any indication, rat takeover has already begun. Isn't it? Humans may have been the cause for extinction of many species but are quite unlikely to impact the existence and onward evolution of rats. Palaeobiologist Jan Zalasiewicz contends that one day rats albeit giant rats will become the dominant species on the earth. 

There is no point racing with the rats because in a rat race the one who wins can only be a 'rat'. 

This write-up was published in The Tribune dated Feb 12, 2016.

27. Control, out of control

If you need to spot a diabetic friend on the sprawling lawns at a marriage reception, all you need to do is to stretch your sight to the section serving 'desserts'. Ten out of ten chances are that you will find him savoring one or more of the forbidden 'sweet'. That is how (Indian) men are made of, be it a forbidden apple or an impermissible sweet.  
  
It isn't a chance factor but somewhat of a 'compulsive (dis)order' in men which perhaps cannot be cured so easily. The question, however, is: why 'temptation' is so tempting that it makes it hard for most men to apply 'control' even if they claim to be disciplined? Do men lack self-control, a trait that seems uncommon in women? Don't get me wrong for my gender bias, but I haven't heard anything on the contrary to be dis-proven.

But before the other half resorts to rejoicing for being a shade different, let it be made clear that research has yet to acknowledge a lack of self-control as a deficiency one is born with. The ability to control one's behaviour and adapt it to new situations is something one can learn. That men do not apply it in certain matters is a matter of choice. Women are no different, they let go control out-of-control in matter of shopping for cosmetics and jewelry.     

Some are tempted to spend more; many get tempted to avoid regular exercise; few can't avoid the temptation of cheating; and still others can't avoid being tempted towards women. Temptation to indulge in undesirable actions is considered 'masculine' or 'courageous'. I say this because our society is much more forgiving of men who give into 'temptation' than it is for women. Guilty pleasures are like cheese reserved for men, so they say, because 'temptation' like opportunity may knock only once.    

Not sure if applying 'self-restraint' makes more sense than allowing oneself to be susceptible to 'temptation'. Given that self control is a limited resource that needs to be used intelligently and, to some extent, even economically, it is up to you to make a choice. What must be known is that to practice 'self-control' makes us all the more susceptible to 'temptation'. 

Could market economy survive without 'temptation'? No surprise, therefore, Adam & Eve were 'tempted' to promote market economy. An apple a day keeps 'control' under control!  

26. There is a catch!

Have patience. Fish is waiting for you! 

Fishing is what fishermen do, hydrophobia afflicts the rest. Barring few exceptions, hydrophobia is a common trait among Indians. Uncanny it may sound but canine teeth haven't got much to do with it, though occasional dog bites do add to the numbers. Credit must go to doting parents and curious astrologers instead, who cast fear in the minds of children toward water or more specifically 'flowing water'. It has worked as an inter-generational cognitive trap! 

Hydrophobia has persisted as a social reality, nonetheless. While the elites drive to the golf courses, weekenders head for the hills instead. The idea of 'green' overwhelms popular perception, keeping away from 'blue' plays up sub-consciously. Neither do people flock to river fronts to stay away from noise nor seek the comforting experience of fly fishing. For self-immersed entertainment seekers (other than rafting) river fronts hold little promise.   

Holding rivers in ritualistic reverence once or twice a while has only contributed to their neglect and consequent decline. Since people don't protect rivers, rivers don't save people either. If you don't protect 'blue', you get many shades of 'grey' in return. How disgusting? Keeping distance from what creative writer John McPhee calls 'the ultimate metaphor of existence' has not done much to our being. Our foibles, our loneliness, our boredom, our anxieties, our frustration and our helplessness are products of our isolation from the rivers.      

There is something intriguing, rivers can provide heart-soothing serenity as well as heart-pounding excitement. Try sitting or walking along a riverfront for a while, notice the calm that it provides. By constantly changing its contents and shape, rivers can be as much an avenue for escape as a part of our quest for redemption. It offers natural refuge for disturbed minds. Not without reason, people go fishing to seek everything from solace to a romantic respite. 

Travel Writer Gretel Ehrlich writes that 'water can stand for what is unconscious, instinctive and sexual in us, for the creative swill in which we fish for ideas'. If you are in courtship, ride over your entrenched hydrophobia and persuade your partner to go with you for fishing. You will surely net your catch! 

This was published in Deccan Herald dated June 2, 2015.