27. Control, out of control

If you need to spot a diabetic friend on the sprawling lawns at a marriage reception, all you need to do is to stretch your sight to the section serving 'desserts'. Ten out of ten chances are that you will find him savoring one or more of the forbidden 'sweet'. That is how (Indian) men are made of, be it a forbidden apple or an impermissible sweet.  
  
It isn't a chance factor but somewhat of a 'compulsive (dis)order' in men which perhaps cannot be cured so easily. The question, however, is: why 'temptation' is so tempting that it makes it hard for most men to apply 'control' even if they claim to be disciplined? Do men lack self-control, a trait that seems uncommon in women? Don't get me wrong for my gender bias, but I haven't heard anything on the contrary to be dis-proven.

But before the other half resorts to rejoicing for being a shade different, let it be made clear that research has yet to acknowledge a lack of self-control as a deficiency one is born with. The ability to control one's behaviour and adapt it to new situations is something one can learn. That men do not apply it in certain matters is a matter of choice. Women are no different, they let go control out-of-control in matter of shopping for cosmetics and jewelry.     

Some are tempted to spend more; many get tempted to avoid regular exercise; few can't avoid the temptation of cheating; and still others can't avoid being tempted towards women. Temptation to indulge in undesirable actions is considered 'masculine' or 'courageous'. I say this because our society is much more forgiving of men who give into 'temptation' than it is for women. Guilty pleasures are like cheese reserved for men, so they say, because 'temptation' like opportunity may knock only once.    

Not sure if applying 'self-restraint' makes more sense than allowing oneself to be susceptible to 'temptation'. Given that self control is a limited resource that needs to be used intelligently and, to some extent, even economically, it is up to you to make a choice. What must be known is that to practice 'self-control' makes us all the more susceptible to 'temptation'. 

Could market economy survive without 'temptation'? No surprise, therefore, Adam & Eve were 'tempted' to promote market economy. An apple a day keeps 'control' under control!  

26. There is a catch!

Have patience. Fish is waiting for you! 

Fishing is what fishermen do, hydrophobia afflicts the rest. Barring few exceptions, hydrophobia is a common trait among Indians. Uncanny it may sound but canine teeth haven't got much to do with it, though occasional dog bites do add to the numbers. Credit must go to doting parents and curious astrologers instead, who cast fear in the minds of children toward water or more specifically 'flowing water'. It has worked as an inter-generational cognitive trap! 

Hydrophobia has persisted as a social reality, nonetheless. While the elites drive to the golf courses, weekenders head for the hills instead. The idea of 'green' overwhelms popular perception, keeping away from 'blue' plays up sub-consciously. Neither do people flock to river fronts to stay away from noise nor seek the comforting experience of fly fishing. For self-immersed entertainment seekers (other than rafting) river fronts hold little promise.   

Holding rivers in ritualistic reverence once or twice a while has only contributed to their neglect and consequent decline. Since people don't protect rivers, rivers don't save people either. If you don't protect 'blue', you get many shades of 'grey' in return. How disgusting? Keeping distance from what creative writer John McPhee calls 'the ultimate metaphor of existence' has not done much to our being. Our foibles, our loneliness, our boredom, our anxieties, our frustration and our helplessness are products of our isolation from the rivers.      

There is something intriguing, rivers can provide heart-soothing serenity as well as heart-pounding excitement. Try sitting or walking along a riverfront for a while, notice the calm that it provides. By constantly changing its contents and shape, rivers can be as much an avenue for escape as a part of our quest for redemption. It offers natural refuge for disturbed minds. Not without reason, people go fishing to seek everything from solace to a romantic respite. 

Travel Writer Gretel Ehrlich writes that 'water can stand for what is unconscious, instinctive and sexual in us, for the creative swill in which we fish for ideas'. If you are in courtship, ride over your entrenched hydrophobia and persuade your partner to go with you for fishing. You will surely net your catch! 

This was published in Deccan Herald dated June 2, 2015.

25. And, you can't do much about it. Can you?

Why bring me into the picture? 

I suspect if there are many words (or should these be called 'motives') that carry similar or near similar 'sense' across different languages. Given their outrageous meaning, their inter-generational transfer has been through word-of-mouth or at best through graffiti in the privacy of frequented public spaces. Since such words are often part of an oral tradition, these do not fear any threat of extinction as many native languages do, whether spoken and/or written.

In the spirit of a critical inquiry, let a less invasive word find preference over its outrageous cousins. Ladies & Gentlemen, the word under scrutiny is 'asshole' and let it be clear at the outset that it has got nothing to be with an 'ass' but has everything to do with 'humans'. Unless there are exceptions, assholes are overwhelmingly distributed among only one-half of the human population: assholes are mainly men because they (men) have socialized differently from women. Aren't males taught to be assertive and outspoken and females taught to pull their punches?       

Don't rush to enlist assholes around you just yet, your judgement could be jagged. Let subjectivity not guide you in identifying those among us who are full of shit. Come to think of it, assholes are found daily on cable news, where hosts repeatedly interrupt their guests, and on radio programs where jockeys thrive on falsehood and invective. But assholes are not limited to the world of media only, its spread is democratic across all sectors of human existence be it politics, bureaucracy, judiciary, academia, business, sports, films and other facets of social life.     

Various attempts to enlist assholes in public life have been made. If you promise not to get carried away, one such list of eminent (Indian) assholes is just a click away. Surely, your list is bound to be different but the question is how do you identify an asshole in the first place? Piqued by his experience with fellow surfers, University of California Philosopher Aaron James defines asshole as one who allows himself to enjoy special advantages and does this out of an entrenched sense of entitlement and is immunized by his sense of entitlement against the complaints of other people. No wonder, assholes are rightly upsetting people, often morally outrageous.

An asshole will jump a queue without any remorse; interrupt public life without apparent guilt; and, drive out of lane by persistently highlighting flaws in others' driving. The list isn't exhaustive though! The common feature of most assholes is: they harbor a kind of willful insensitivity, however, without any malice. And yet, there are different types of assholes. A boorish asshole is rude; a smug asshole considers others inferior; and an asshole boss issues barking orders without ever saying 'i'm sorry'. Need reckless assholes be introduced!.    

By this time, images of several assholes may have already clogged your mind. Not without reason because global trends indicate that asshole production is on the rise. Boom in electronic media and spread of social networking have acted as powerful incentives for assholes to bare themselves in public. That could be reason enough for asshole production to rise. All said, let us not put a blame on an asshole because assholes are a given fact of life. A friend often remarks: opinions are like assholes, we each have one!   

(P.S. I checked myself on the asshole radar and found that I am not an asshole because 'I lack the ability to drive otherwise cool-headed people into fits of rage' )   

24. The bald and the beautiful

It is no breaking news that the 'bold' becomes 'bald' sooner than the 'beautiful'. Loss of hair on the temples and vertex with a rim of hair retained along sides and rear of the head is common, termed the 'hippocratic wreath'. I doubt if this has got anything to do with the Greek philosopher Hippocrates, though he too had lost hair early.    

The question that begs attention is: why do men lose hair at a faster rate than women? It is not that women don't lose hair but they do hide the exposed turf with their long hair. I have reliably learnt that the theories on baldness that apply to men do not necessarily relate to women. Blame it on testosterone hormone, they say!

Curiously, the hormone that makes men 'bold' turns them 'bald' too. While genetic make-up and diet does play some role in delaying the process, baldness is a syndrome that most men can hardly avoid. Hair restoration or transplant has come handy for those who can afford it. For the ordinary mortals, wig remains a vulnerable option.  

Many of you may have already run your soft hand over your head to check the ground conditions. Still others would have been at the mirror rotating their head on its axis. While some may have been relieved for now, many others have lost so much that they have thrown caution out of the window. For them, it is hair today gone tomorrow! 

All said, mystery of hair fall must be resolved. A new study blames it on the law of gravity - 'the force of downward pull caused by gravity on the scalp skin is a key contributor to progressive hair loss in men'. Wonder, why did it not work on Issac Newton? Much like women, Newton supported long hair and a dense canopy!

Let's not split hairs on the issue any further. A friend offers a comforting but amusing suggestion to those who are victims of receding cover on top.  Says he, 'when the (bald) head is held high, the hair can only fall behind'. 

23. What is not in a name?

'Bhawani Singh couldn't be anything but 'old'   

A rose by any other name would undoubtedly smell the same. Any attempt at equating it with humans is unlikely to work, therefore when it comes to us 'name' does matter - an 'identity' for existence and even beyond. Imagine, if our ancestors had numbered us instead - someone's 'mobile' could have been other person's 'girl friend'. If that were to be so, legendary mathematician and astronomer Aryabhatta would surely have been named or numbered 'zero'.      

Whether short or long, names through the ages have had profound influence of prevailing cultures....gods, deities, creatures, colors, emotions and aspirations featured heavily in varying combinations in giving structure and meaning to names for the newly born. Not all names carry a 'meaning' though. While introducing herself, a little girl had told me that her name 'Ashnoor' was meaningless. It does seem so! 

Meaningful or inert, in each generation a set of names get the hype that we end-up having many persons with similar first names floating around. I had three 'Anil' and couple of 'Pritam' in my graduate class. There was a time when 'Sanjay' were in plenty and so on. Given the generational emphasis on certain 'names', it is indeed possible to figure out the 'age' without having seen the person. In the classic comedy Gol Maal (pic), Laxman seeks to meet the old man 'Bhawani Singh'. When accosted why did he refer to Bhawani Singh as 'old man' without ever seeing him, Laxman quips 'anyone named 'Bhawani Singh' couldn't be anything but 'old'.     

Length of names is another aspect, the genesis of long names has been distinctly acknowledged. Almost like 'geographical indicators', such names harbor multiple identities of individuals - family lineage being an integral part of it. Pronouncing such names might give you a slipped disc but length of names like Vijayendra Kasturi Ranga Varadaraja Rao or Villupuram Chinnaih Pillai Ganesan have had their justifications. Despite names having shrunk in size in recent times, more like brands, some cultures have yet to compromise on the length of 'names'. 

Whatever be the conditions or influences under which new born get their 'names', the Kabalarian philosophy strongly believes that an individual's character is strongly influenced by its name. One may not easily believe it but the order of letters in a name are interpreted as numbers and added up to  get a sense of one's character. 

In an interesting incidence, a local woman read the character of a person much the same way. The story goes like this: to escape from sudden rain showers, a traveler knocked at the door of a house. A female voice from inside questioned: 'Who is there?' The traveler was quick to respond: 'It's 'Julius Nagendranath Wilfred Singh'. 'Sorry', came the reply, 'there isn't enough space for four persons! 

Had Shakespeare been born in this part of the world, he would have ended up saying 'there is lot in a name'. 

22. Give me a break

And there she was, engrossed in reading a book on the deck of the houseboat, oblivious of the exquisite beauty of the Dal lake. Second time in as many days, one could not hold back from intruding: 'Aren't you on a vacation?' Violation to her privacy notwithstanding, she was candid in her response, 'No, I'm on a sabbatical.'  I must confess it took time for me to get the essence of her response and hence our conversation was truncated then.   

Years later I discovered the subtle but profound distinction between a vacation and a sabbatical. The young lady on the deck was on a trip to unwind, explore and regenerate herself. Whether it was employer-supported or not, sabbatical for her was a desire fueled with fantasy. And, all fantasies carry a shadow of uncertainty for which she seemed reasonably prepared over the next three months of her sabbatical.

Sabbatical is considered a Biblical act, when God rested after creating the universe. Present across ancient societies, the idea was to not only ‘take a break’ but allow nature to take a break too. Agriculture activities were given a break for the land to rest and recover, what in modern parlance would be considered an ‘unproductive phase.’ Majority of our present day problems are precisely borne out of over-stretching everything, from the living to the non-living. 

Many forms of sabbaticals have been invented. In some, absence from service is fully paid, whereas in others some companies offer unpaid sabbaticals. Universities do encourage their faculty to avail sabbatical and so are some government offices. In practice, very rare! Given the immense pressure of deadlines and targets, employees run out of steam for randomness, spontaneity, and serendipity — all of which are crucial to creativity and innovation. But rarely do employers acknowledge the need for employees recuperation and regeneration! 

India's youngest Prime Minister, Rajiv Gandhi, is credited for not only cutting a typical week to five working days but for introducing 'leave travel concession' for employees to escape from their daily ordeal to explore the country. It is no secret that the opportunity has been squandered (or misappropriated) to such an extent that a month's basic salary is what most employers currently offer, whether or not one travels! No wonder, a recently retired acquaintance does not know 'what worth he is after relinquishing his desk job at the bank'.  
   
Indians love predictability and continuity, and so are their employers! Rarely if ever, they inspire themselves or the others, status quo suits them the most. In contrast, a `sabbatee' is a different beast, ready to 'go away to assess whether or not s/he still likes thyself'. Ready to explore and reinvent, a typical sabbatee returns home a 'new person' after re-discovering oneself. 
  
Indians often go on vacations, capturing pictures of themselves against important landmarks. but rarely submit themselves for sabbaticals. Rarely do they challenge themselves and hence are bereft of any inspiration. Going out of their comfort zone is a big NO. Consequently, neither do they discover themselves nor the world - remaining somewhat like a lost society.

Wonder if Vasco da Gama had not been on a sabbatical we may have been discovered at all!

This piece was first published in Deccan Herald on Oct 10, 2016.

21. The physics of irrestible chemistry

It is intriguing how things work. Certain things you pay to learn while quite others are up for grabs, literally for free. Don't stretch your imagination too far, just smell the air around you to make a guess. I'm referrng here to the weekly chemistry lessons which neither refresh what you may have learnt at school nor enrich you with something you have little inclination on. No wonder, these lessons neither refer to John Dalton's atomic theory nor discuss Linus Pauling's chemical bonds.  

Chemistry, we are told, is what chemists practice! But what has chemistry got to do with Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor or Dilip Kumar and Vyjayantimala or Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet or for that matter Ranbir Kapoor and Dipika Padukone. Without any disregard to their impecabble on-screen performances, it can still be safely argued that none of them would know who Joseph Priestley, Henry Cavendish or Robert Boyle were and hence may not have qualified any of the school-leaving exams! And much to our surprise, these on-screen couples have dealt in 'chemistry' at one time or the other.

Haven't all these couples offerred 'irrestible chemistry' on celluloid screens, week after week for decades at length? Howsoever it might be justified, such inference defies what we have known of chemistry as  the 'scientific study of matter, its properties, and interactions with other matter'. Should chemistry not engage at least two molecules in a quest to produce a new composition? In this light, what went between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, by latter's own admission, was indeed 'chemistry'. Imagine if Monica would have been invited by universities to offer lectures in chemistry! 

Without getting any further into the naughty stuff called chemistry, let the onus of questioning the use of 'chemistry' in such matters solely rest with the chemists. Interesting would be to check what physicts have to say on the matter. Since 'chemistry' under reference involves attraction between two bodies and occurs within a given time and space, Albert Einstein and Issac Newton would have termed it as 'irrestible physics'. Not without reason had well-known radiochemist Frederick Soddy referred to chemistry as the messy part of physics! Einstein thought physics, and not chemistry, could be easily taught to a barmaid. 

20. The 'solutionism' of our times

Within hours of its invention a few years ago, the phrase had gone viral with denizens in Bangalore. Like a multi-utility vehicle, its strength lay in its convenient application across situations: those violating traffic rules use it; those short of civic sense use it to excuse themselves; and those teasing girls get away using it. Just say Swalpa Adjust Maadi and you could be cool about your action. It is a Kannada remix for saying 'adjust to the situation'. wherein 'swalpa' means 'a little' and 'maadi' stands for 'do'.

Why would it spread so thick and fast? With 'solutionism' being the new belief or ideology amongst youth, perhaps the idea has been to identify those 'tools' that could offer instant 'solutions' by presuming to be intrinsically creative. For the carefree youth, the world and our relationship to it are puzzles to be solved. Complexity, ambiguity, uncertainty and disagreement are all confused renditions of problems. If one phrase could strike all such puzzles than let that be! And, why not?

Though novel in its approach, Swalpa Adjust Maadi offers a non-contentitious 'fix'. It compromises on the situation by taking a status quo position. It is more about adjustment than transformation, an approach that emerges from a generation mistrustful of government and the state, but enamoured by its own capacity to manage its well-being. A tech-savvy generation which surfs information and searches solutions at the click of the button has only gone by the entrenched notion that 'convenience' and not 'contention' is the solution. In the face of all the array of major problems confronting us, Swalpa Adjust Maadi could indeed help slip past numerous small problems at hand!      

The worrying side of this invention, according to 'Citizens Against the Swalpa Adjust Maadi', is that it helps settle for anything 'less than hundred per cent', justifying the widely held notion that we are as a nation more 'satisfier' than 'maximizer'. Our roads may be clogged; our infrastructure crumbling; our public institutions decaying but we should take pleasure in the small things and be content with it. If Swalpa Adjust Maadi is what the youth find comfort in than those hoping for an Arab Spring in India must go on a long vacation! 

19. The 'water ball' patriotism

It may have originated in what was known as the Magadh region, present day South Bihar, but its omnipresence across the length and breadth of the country obscures its origin. In fact, it has already gone global. This round, hollow puri, fried crisp and filled with a mixture of flavoured water, tamarind chutney,  chaat masala, chilli, potato, onion, chickpeas is available across continents, and in several cities in USA, UK and Europe. Known by diverse names like phoolki, phuchka, paani puri and gol guppa, the ubiquitous water-ball is the undisputed king of the tangy-hot world of chaat. Need it be said that gol guppa is a secular snack that cuts across caste, class and religious distinctions? Barring few exceptions, it has largely been a female favourite though.      

The hollow of a well-bloomed pani puri filled with salted masala water is more than just a tangy obsession. Neither is it branded nor does it confirm to any standards, yet a gol guppa popped in from the roadside seller holds mass popularity. The sociology of its widespread popularity is worth a doctoral degree. 

Who cares how a speck of dough is ballooned; where from the water to fill it up is sourced; and the often unhygienic surroundings where the cart is stationed by the roadside? Unlike other products in the market, there has been an unwritten faith in the ‘collective responsibility’ of the gol guppa supply chain. And the roadside bhaiyya (brother) must be credited for having stood by it!  

Though upmarket vendors have started using ‘doubtful’ mineral water and ‘dubious’ plastic gloves in the name of so-called ‘hygiene’, rarely does it bother anyone that the dust-laden winds are depositing a thin layer of ‘desh-ki-mitti’ (mother earth) through the day all over the cart. It is the unflinching faith of its consumer base that has added to its unending popularity.

What is intriguing, though, is the fact that those who are otherwise finicky about drinking water from any public source show utmost respect to whatever quality of water that fills the ball. For me, it is no less than an act of ‘water-ball patriotism’ wherein we not only repose our faith in ‘your’ people but on water and dust that inevitably comes along. 
No wonder, consumer courts have yet to hear any complaint on your neighbourhood pani puri wala! Since everyone asks for ‘more water’ even after finishing with his/ her plate of gol guppa – “Bhaiyya, thoda paani aur dena! (Brother, give me some more water) – it is quite unlikely that any complaint would ever get fled. I will keep my fingers crossed though!

This was published in Deccan Herald on Aug 8, 2015.

18. Oye Kanjar, Kanjar Oye!

Every day past midnight, the police comes knocking at their door. Half asleep, each one from their dilapidated dwellings (see picture) is forced to crawl out for the mandatory headcount. For fear of retribution, no one dare remain absent without prior permission from the `protector of law' . It isn't a work of imagination but a narrative on the daily ordeal of over 600 families in a district of Rajasthan. These are Kanjar, members of a semi-nomadic tribe, who wonder what freedom is all about? They haven't slept well for several years now!

Household name across north India, Kanjar carries double-edged expression. While some mothers call their naughty children `oye, kanjara.', for many others it is an abusive expression. Derived from the Sanskrit kanana-chara, kanjar means wanderer in the jungle. Claimed to have originated in Rajasthan, they served as servants of the Rajputs & Jats before Moghul invaders forced them to flee to the jungles to avoid persecution. Since then they have been on the run, as hunter gatherers or petty criminals.

While the British had listed them under the Criminal Tribes Act, 1871, a tribe addicted to non-bailable offences, the denotification of law in 1952 placed Kanjar under the Habitual Offenders Act. Though most have left their past vocation, they still carry an absurd social stigma for which their children are often forced out of schools and their women remain vulnerable to exploitation. Bereft of any assets, Kanjar have been literally driven to the wall. No one offers them any respectable job either. Most survive under the shadow of perpetual fear, with less than Rs 1,500 a month to survive.

However, for police they remain a potential catch! Wonder, if the law enforcement agency were to look beyond and hound other potential offenders amongst bureaucrats and politicians?